Monday, April 6, 2015

E is for Eulogy

This may sound a little morbid or strange, but when I did substance abuse counseling, one of the exercises we did with the clients was to have them write their own obituary.  This activity was designed to get them to look back on their lives and see what impact they have had on others, and what legacy they would leave behind.  My friends and I have joked a lot about our own deaths and what we want our funerals to look like.  We have discussed attendees, music, attire, and surprises we wish to have at our funerals.  My friend, Amanda, and I have made a pact that we will carry out one another's wishes upon our demise.  Of course, only one of us will actually follow through because, well, the other person will be dead. 

While searching for a topic starting with the letter "E," a friend suggested Eulogy.  I said, "Genius!"  I am totally up for writing my own eulogy.  Hopefully by the time it is needed, this eulogy will be way outdated and no longer funny.  I have always imagined my funeral as somewhat of a "roast" where all of my friends (both of them) will gather and say whatever they want to say about me.  Should I meet my demise in an untimely manner, please use this at my funeral. 

Eulogy for Robin Bourland

We are gathered together on this day, to commemorate the life of Robin Lynn Hogue Parkhurst Bourland.   Robin had many roles in life, including:  mother, daughter, sister, grandmother, friend, therapist, scapegoat, instigator, nemesis, bad influence, stalker, saint, sinner, chauffeur, butler, maid, referee, spiritual advisor, cosmetologist and ordained minister in the Church of the Latter-Day Dude.  She leaves behind her five children, their spouses, 375 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren.  She is also survived by her mother, Beverly, who is 150 years old and still smokes three packs of cigarettes per day.  

Robin was well known amongst her peers and co-defendants for her biting wit and sarcasm.  She has been described as the one who, "says what everyone else is thinking but are too scared to say themselves."  This would be the primary reason she lost the presidential election twenty years ago when she referred to her opponent as a "twatwaffle."  Mainstream politics were just not ready for her.  She was soundly defeated by Republican incumbent, George Herbert Walker Simeon Winston Jazzy Killah Bush III. 

I have asked her children and grandchildren to share some quotes or special memories they have of their mother.  Since her children are currently incarcerated and unable to make it to the service, I have agreed to read what they have written in their absence.  Here are the quotes and memories from her children, who wish to remain anonymous:

"Mom made the best meatloaf.  Sometimes she made so much that she forgot it in the cabinet and we would find it two years later.  It was like a really weird version of an Easter egg hunt."

"Mom taught me how to be a graceful drunk.  She was never graceful, but I learned from her what not to do."

"Mom lived to make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  She really did.  That was, like, her whole purpose in life."

"Mom was always there for me when I needed her.  She comforted me when I was sick and calmed me when I was scared.  Wait, no.  That was Mike.  My bad.  Who are we talking about again?"

"Mom taught me the most valuable lesson I ever learned in life....How to make a shank.  She has literally saved me life numerous times."

"Now she finally has some damn peace and quiet."

I also requested quotes and memories from her friends.  Since none of them are in attendance (they are both at the bar celebrating), I will read what they wrote.  Again, they wish to remain anonymous:

"Robin was such a giving person.  I remember when she went to Africa to work with orphans.  I remember because she came back with Ebola and killed half my family."

"Robin would literally give you the shirt off her back, whether you wanted it or not.  In public."

"Robin never asked me why I killed those people.  She just grabbed a shovel and helped me hide the bodies."

"Robin once fixed supper for my family when we were all sick.  She gave us all food poisoning, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

In closing, I would like to add what I know about Robin.  I only knew her for a short period of time as I took care of her 400 pets that her kids had dumped at her house throughout the years.  Robin was completely bedridden after a horrible snowboarding accident in the Alps.  Robin loved her family.  She had all of their mug shots and newspaper clippings covering the walls of her house.  Partly because she couldn't afford paint or wallpaper, but also because she loved them all in her own weird way.  As she would slip in and out of consciousness, she talked a lot about her life and her regrets.  She also liked to steal the cat food when she thought I wasn't looking.  She talked about how she wished she had more time to spend with her family.  She told me how she always tried to do the best she could even though life was really hard sometimes.  She was brave when she had to be but also cried a lot when nobody was around.  She felt really inadequate at times but didn't want anyone to know.  She loved people with her whole heart and once she loved them, she ALWAYS loved them.  She loved to laugh but even more than that, she loved to make others laugh. 

I will end this service with an Irish Blessing, and I hope that this is true for Robin. 

"May you be half an hour in Heaven
Before the Devil knows you're dead."

Be sure to tip Yo Waitress.